So sorry to anyone that has been following my blog. As I have said before. I always thought that there was no point to my blog as may cancer would be over and done with after 6 months. So here I am now 10 months out from finding out I had cancer.
Its one year since I left for Thailand to “find myself”. Gosh I really miss that place. Yes, its sure is on my bucket list to do.
I have been struggling the last few weeks. I had another PET and CT scan about a month back. Bloody hate those things and this was the first time I asked hubby to come with me as I was just too scared. I had to drink that God awful drink for my CT scan. I think they forget that us missing bowel people, struggle to guzzle down a huge sippy cup on blargh.
Anyway way my results are still clear. No evidence of active cancer. But that doesn’t mean, it’s not sitting waiting, to jump somewhere in my body and start eating away at me again. I have struggled because, I thought that I would be coming off chemo. If I had been Stage 3C still. I would be finished chemo and getting back to my old life.
I have found cancer very lonely. Between the days of feeling sick. To the days I feel well enough to get out and about. But my skin looks like a cross between measles and a teenagers acne face. I don’t get out a lot. With the chemo I usually finished my third day on a Friday. So the next few days I “Chemo Crash” and its a waste of days with my family as I am just feeling so vile.
The lovely oncologist has told me I will need to be on chemo for at least another 12 months. That the IV chemo of Panitumumab, Leucovorin and Fluorouracil. It’s not fun. It’s not a walk in the park. But I guess it is what is keeping me alive.
I had a breakdown in his office when he told me I had to stay on chemo. He thinks I am not mentally well. Who the hell can feel mentally well, with the roller coaster I am on, at the moment? I mean, I have gone from Cancer all gone – To Stage 3C to Stage 4 to Remission in under a year.
The thought of dying and leaving my son, Husband, friends and family. Brings me to a crying mess at least 3 times a day. Yes, I know we are all going to die one day. However, knowing that our life is going to be cut short at any time due to this vile cancer. Knowing that the end will be painful and drawn out. Is not something,I am coping well with. Who would?
I have had so many plans when I was well. I felt like I was just getting my career sorted out. Money sorted out and life sorted out. I know none of that means much when you are sick and looking at Stage 4 Cancer. I am truly grateful in one way for the way it has made me look at life now. I can’t take a fancy car or a clean nice house with me. When I die. None of that makes sense.
While I am alive, I also feel like I am wasting away. Wasting each day as I have no job, can’t do hobbies because my hands are stiff from chemo. My feet are infected and blistered from the chemo. So walking is not a great thing. Although I am trying to do more of it now. So I have this dark hole. I am a people person. I need to be doing things and being around people. Sadly the days I am well don’t always fit in with other people’s plans. I have also found who are my tribe, my people who visit, call and make plans with me. I have also found that people who I have been for in the past and people I thought loved me. Make no effort at all. I am sorry if this offends anyone reading my blog. But its true. Yes, I understand that sometimes people had tried earlier on and I needed to deal with the shit issues I was going through. But come on its been nearly a year. That’s my whinge. I have it off my chest now.
So what else has been happening. Sorry for the long blog post.
I had my Birthday after getting out of hospital and just having around of chemo. My bestie took me out for a unbeliveable lunch at a new Yum Chow that has opened near my house. The food was amazing, I could taste most things. However the crazy thing was. I was hanging to eat steamed pork buns. My all time favourite treat when I was well and had taste buds. By the time they came out. I took one bite and it tasted vile. I hate you tastebuds, I hate you! It was a really lovely day with some shopping and fluffing around. Still have issues with needing a bathroom as anything in. Needs to come out quickly with limited bowel and bowel cancer.
I find with food. If there are too many flavours. My tastebuds can’t handle it. I was very proud in my previous healthy life. That I could handle just about the hottest curries and chillies around. Now plain boring old packet taco seasoning is too much for me to handle. Just yesterday, I had a Salsa’s california burriotto. (Salsa’s is a food chain store in Australia). I don’t ever remember it being hot. But it was so spicey to me. Like it was the very first time I had eaten something spicy. Two bottles of water later my mouth had calmed down.
Crazy – I always thought that cancer only changed people in the ways of loosing hair and loosing weight. Sadly there are so many more side effects…. Depending on what cancer you have and what treatment you are having.
Sweat Pork floss buns. Seriously the best